iconz by rouk


This is what it is like to have PTSD from being a woman in this world that tells me how free I am then gives me these toys to my daughter to let her imagine being a female doctor according to the Barbie world.

Everything is tainted with an oozy creamy film of disgust and bad carpeting that doesn't match anything you are. Pink clashing with scribbles on walls that seem to appear from my nightmares.

Everything disjointed. Nothing makes sense.

I straddle this world and their world and our world and your world and their world but I must do it with no complaints about you taking a photo of an up skirt if me on an escalator and then sharing it with your friends and saying things like "I'd hit that" and "I'd cap that"

I am the despised and feared and worshiped Scandinavian woman from good stock. My drapes don't match the carpet so my value goes down 10 points for that. I have fake breasts that made milk for all three of my children. I now have curves like a "real" woman at 47.

I'm supposed to celebrate this.

Or something.

I'm in my daughter's room wondering who she is and who she will be and just being blown away by the sheer responsibility of being in charge of raising "a strong woman" (because woman are naturally weak, you have to teach then to be strong, I hear)

How will I teach my beautiful little violet about up skirts? Why does she have to endure this bullshit in her future?

I can only pray the world is different when she is older and I can make it better for her. This is what every mother strives for (usually)

Will we survive?

Yes, we will. I take you up skirt doctor Barbie laying on the pitiful carpeting from 1979 and i say I love you. I love your mini shirt. I love the fact that you can lay like that with your feet in the air without a care in the world. This is what it is to see like a child.

I want to see like this again. It's just a doll laying on the floor that happened to fall over in that position.

Much like any woman.

iconz by rouk

Good morning :)

More snow. Grey. Need summer now. Now. Now.
I'm going to make a turkey soup today. Get started on the broth. I wish I had fresh thyme. In the summer thyme grows crazy all over our lawn. Mmmmmm. I want to lay on my back in the grass and watch the clouds.

I haven't paid much attention to news/current events in a few weeks or more. It's nice to not have that in my head.

I'm starting to wake up so my mind is kind of blank right now except for the usual weird watery dreams I have where I am wandering around in dangerous neighborhoods that are delapitated and beautiful. Old stone churches taken over by the homeless and prostitutes.

Now my brain is whiplashed back to my kitchen where I must attend to breakfast.

I really hope that today I can finish the video I made from snippets of Lorna doone's party. I've been working and thinking on it for a week now. I have to stop being so precious about it. But also there have been a lot if things getting in my way of being creative like children being sick and not getting enough sleep.

But today. I really want to finish it so I can move on to a new movie.

Here is something violet drew on the computer and she wanted me to take a photo of it. She is really good at drawing with only a computer mouse for 4 years old, I think.

iconz by rouk

Taking care of the littles today.

Both children sick. Much laundry cleaning ensues. Muppet movie on. Glad it's the weekend so I am not alone in this. M is by my side and we're tucked in our warm house while outside is 12 degrees F. New fallen snow is incredibly sparkly. Would love to go out and make films of it. It's an inside day today tho. I love my family. I am glad we have each other.

Last night's haunted spaceship show was a wild ride! But it served a good purpose to out a few people who were pretending to be working for "the light" when in fact it was the opposite. I totally called it in episode 2! I'm pretty good at reading people now. Sometimes I am wrong, but most often I am pretty much spot on.

It's not everyone's cup of tea, but last night's show cracks me up so much, I just adore it :)

iconz by rouk


Getting ready for episode 003 of Haunted Spaceship tonight on goog+ :)

Cleaning the house

Sunny day

Lots of sparkling energy today! (Or maybe it's just caffeine :)