August 26th, 2007

iconz by rouk

irrational hormonal thoughts

about 2 weeks ago i started to have the most irrational thought.
this insane feeling that i wanted to be pregnant again ASAP!
i don't know if it is hormones, some sort of animal instinct thing, or a reaction to having, what i call, "empty belly syndrome".
i had months to get used to my belly becoming more and more pregnant but zero seconds to get used to have nothing in my belly at all.
i was not prepared to feel this way or prepared to deal with going from a huge belly to no belly.
i thought i'd be ecstactic to have my body back. to be able to look down and see my vagina again, to be able to bend over and tie my shoes, to be able to sleep on my back.
but instead i am faced with this feeling of loss, looking down, longing, on my linea negra and blown out belly button, running my hands up and down my belly where it once was tight and stretched and full of movement now to just feeling soft giving flesh.
i miss the kicks inside even tho now i get to touch her feet and feel them from the outside. it's nonsensical.
but it's more than this. it's more than just missing the belly. feeling like the queen bee.
at least i think so.
it's something deeper than this. it's something primal and seemingly irrational i tell myself.
i never even wanted one child let alone two.
i am sleep deprived and hallucinatory.
there is no way i could physically and emotionally deal with caring for a new baby as well as be pregnant at the same time.
or dealing with a new baby and a toddler at the same time.
plus knowing that my risks of having another child with down syndrome are very high, i would guess.
not that is a factor in my decisions. it wasn't before and it wouldn't be again and maybe this world needs more people with an extra chromosome.
here i am with the nagging lingering thought that will not leave...i want another child.
i even dream about it, begging M to "put another baby in me"
a compulsive urge beyond my understanding
lili needs a little brother, it says...lili NEEDS a little sister it screams
i must find a way to break this spell if possible, right?

a few more weeks of no sleep and poopy diapers from the "troll buh" will cure me of this, yes?
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    creative longing