April 19th, 2007

iconz by rouk


thank you everyone for your birthday wishes :)

this is a photo of me and my pregnant belly in front of the barn that was my father's, grandfather's and great grandfathers.
the word "barn" also means "child" in norwegian, so i thought it was doubly fitting to take a photo of me in front of it on my birthday :)

the photo did not at all turn out the way i had envisioned it...not even CLOSE! but at least i did it.
i need a wide angle lense badly. i tried to do the panorama thing but , as you can see, i didn't do that well either.
but i guess the crookedness of it gives it a surreal factor. a sort of sense of it decaying and not being as real anymore.
also the exposure was all wrong because i keep forgetting how to use my camera and i have to go back and read the manual, and i just never do retain the information.
but here it is in it's imperfection.

i hadn't been to my grandpa's farm in decades. i guess since he died. although i had seen it about twice from the road.
the farm is deteriorating. the barn is peeling and not used, filled with trash and closed up, it seemed.
a little pony trots around it. i would have fed him an apple, but he disappeared before i could go fetch it.

grandma's house was painted grey instead of the white it always was. and was peeling considerably.
the roof looked very bad and some of the windows were boarded up.
a large family rents it now and they have accumulated PILES of trashy cars and odds and ends and scatterd it all over the yard.
it was sad. my grandma would have a fit if she were alive to see it.

but i still could see it all with rose coloured glasses. the places i would play as a child.
the hayloft, the soft purr and zing of the electric fence, the tire swing, the grove of trees, the rock pile, the little house, the smell of mold and hard candy,
the wild cats, the weeping willows, the scary cellar, the creak of the stairs, blind uncle bob by the radio, uncle joel by the phonograph, nancy upstairs sulking, grandpa at the table reading the paper once in awhile looking up at me to wink and say "hey, sweet patootie!" and grandma in the kitchen overcooking the green beans and baking ham and ricing potatoes.

all these things are alive and well inside of me :)

the barn is in me now.
iconz by rouk



i made a blog for my unborn child :)
we think her name is lili zuzu
it will contain little messages for her and about her
and someday if she wants to, she can write in it, too :)