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from thee ana m0thership

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irrational hormonal thoughts
iconz by rouk
about 2 weeks ago i started to have the most irrational thought.
this insane feeling that i wanted to be pregnant again ASAP!
i don't know if it is hormones, some sort of animal instinct thing, or a reaction to having, what i call, "empty belly syndrome".
i had months to get used to my belly becoming more and more pregnant but zero seconds to get used to have nothing in my belly at all.
i was not prepared to feel this way or prepared to deal with going from a huge belly to no belly.
i thought i'd be ecstactic to have my body back. to be able to look down and see my vagina again, to be able to bend over and tie my shoes, to be able to sleep on my back.
but instead i am faced with this feeling of loss, looking down, longing, on my linea negra and blown out belly button, running my hands up and down my belly where it once was tight and stretched and full of movement now to just feeling soft giving flesh.
i miss the kicks inside even tho now i get to touch her feet and feel them from the outside. it's nonsensical.
but it's more than this. it's more than just missing the belly. feeling like the queen bee.
at least i think so.
it's something deeper than this. it's something primal and seemingly irrational i tell myself.
i never even wanted one child let alone two.
i am sleep deprived and hallucinatory.
there is no way i could physically and emotionally deal with caring for a new baby as well as be pregnant at the same time.
or dealing with a new baby and a toddler at the same time.
plus knowing that my risks of having another child with down syndrome are very high, i would guess.
not that is a factor in my decisions. it wasn't before and it wouldn't be again and maybe this world needs more people with an extra chromosome.
here i am with the nagging lingering thought that will not leave...i want another child.
i even dream about it, begging M to "put another baby in me"
a compulsive urge beyond my understanding
lili needs a little brother, it says...lili NEEDS a little sister it screams
i must find a way to break this spell if possible, right?

a few more weeks of no sleep and poopy diapers from the "troll buh" will cure me of this, yes?

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fascinating desire..i am not sure what to say...


I wish I could tell you yes............

But I do think that, if anything, the constant flux of the first year usually is enough to dampen that desire, it not squash it all together.

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too bad we don't live near each other so lili and zooey could play together! :(

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ha, i already have 3 dogs and that is quite enough :)

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I am not really sure what to write...I am thinking that maybe after a few months of baby-ness you will be glad that you only have one to care for right now?

I'm at a point where I could give birth at any moment (or at least start to...) and only now am I feeling any sense of sadness (not quite dread) about not being pregnant anymore soon. I've not really enjoyed a lot of the extra attention I've gotten though; I'm a very private person & I feel so vulnerable right now in a world where people can really suck sometimes. I wonder if I'll feel as you do in the upcoming weeks?

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It's part of post-partum depression, that many people don't realize. It's not just the baby, but the loss of the being inside you that can cause it. The hormones are wacky things.

i still feel the loss 6 years later. i am not so struck by wanting to have another kid all the time, but i deeply miss feeling pregnant.
the hormones do seem to particularly do a number on rationality in the few months after birth. good luck my friend.

you had a great time being pregnant, so it would make sense you would miss it :)

hey, we will get together and make batts soon!
i keep flaking to email you about it

My cousin responds to pregnancy this way. She has several kids, but always wants to be pregnant.

I know exactly how you feel. I have a little boy about to turn 6, a little free spirit, wild child girl who is 4 and a my youngest is about to turn 8 months. I have my hand full, yet i miss being pregnant. Thought having another would probably put me in the looney bin.

You're special when you're pregnant. People look at you and swoon. They want to touch your belly and share their thoughts with you. But don't worry, you're still very special. We all love you and your beautiful family!

Lili is an adorable princess. I hope you post more pictures soon!

Re: irrational hormonal thoughts

What you're feeling is completely normal...not irrational at all. You carried her for nine months and the two of you were one for so long that now your feeling empty and separated from her (so to speak). You want that feeling of wholeness back. I can sort of understand and I think once your hormones level out you'll feel more like your self again...just not the self you may be longing for right now. Hang in there!!!

i can relate. some aspects of being pregnant, i miss, but it would be so much different if i were pregnant now.

for example, i have fond memories of laying in bed with spanky, with him rubbing my tummy and us falling asleep. it wouldn't be that peaceful and easy having zooey to take care of as well. i think alot of the magical feelings i had being pregnant was that all i had to do was sit around, wait, take care of myself and be cuddled and pet. the queen! and man, was i a tired pregnant girl. all i wanted was to sleep.

if there were any chance that i were to be pregnant again, and go through with the pregnancy, i would hope to hell that it'd be a chilly season. no woman needs to be sweating to death while pregnant, chasing after a little one D=

lili needs a little brother, it says...lili NEEDS a little sister it screams

totally understood. while i hope zooey and lili can trust their parents as much as they'd trust any best friend, i can't help but think zooey ought to have a companion that she can always go to that won't betray her like some random kindergarten friend.

i believe it's natural. i would love to say that the feeling goes away after a few months, but i didn't actually start having these types of feelings until sort of recently (4 and a half months out).

a few more weeks of no sleep and poopy diapers from the "troll buh" will cure me of this, yes?

hehe, i hope so! i never ever thought i'd have a baby, much less 2! when zooey was a newborn and i'd wake up several times a night to nurse her and change her, i thought "yeah, definitely just one. no question." i was so overtired.
now, zooey sleeps through the night (9 hours since 2 months) and she's more independant, as much as a 4 month old can be. i'm afraid these feelings that you're having may just get stronger =/ or they may fade completely! who knows =)

enjoy your tiny lili, she is indeed as sweet as pie.

I say go for it--the feeling must be a sign! I never enjoyed being an only child, and it is so fun to watch two play together.

I know it sounds dramatic, but I feel that being an only-child is a sort of curse. I was lonely and it was a huge handicap, socially. I was blessed with 4 younger step-siblings when I was already in my 20's and I am just thrilled to be able to say "my sister", "my brother" and I just cherish them.

I'm an only child too. Adopted late in life. My Mother has metasticized cancer, my Father and Grandparents are long gone. I have a son, thank God. But I know the feeling of being lonely all too well. The upside is that you socialize with adults a lot, get a lot of attention, and have a terrific vocabulary before other kids can even say, "Pass the sugar."

I'm glad you ended up getting siblings after all.


Seriously...I guess it might make you more independent (or maybe not), but I agree with the social issue. I was so shy. And I always wanted a sibling to play with AND I wanted someone else for my mom to yell at besides me! Ha ha ha!

I cried when I found out I was pregnant the second time. Then I cried when my husband got a vasectomy and I knew I'd never have another baby. That feeling of longing for another baby lasted for years for me. It eventually fades....and reason takes over. And yes...on the hormones causing these feelings....damn evil things.

I hope you know you are a queen bee whether or not you decide to carry another child again. :)

and maybe this world needs more people with an extra chromosome.

:) The world doesn't usually think that way. Chassidim tend to think that children with severe mental impairment might be holy souls...that maybe these humans are gifted in other ways by God.

I've been reading you for awhile, and just want to say...I know that feeling. Oh, do I. I have 5 kids under 8 years old, and have also had a 2nd trimester miscarriage in that time. And even now, after disastrous emergency c-sections and being so busy and so sleep deprived...my sex drive wants to be productive. My body wants to unite and create. I ache for that "put a baby in me". I could make a lifetime out of belly castings, blessingways, sewing my own maternity clothes, tandem nursing and cloth diaper collections.

But no...no, I'll keep with my creeping slow one class at a time college schedule, and crochet and read and try to be fulfilled by homeschooling and dancing with the ones I have. Try to glory in being able to give them the most attention I have.

Nature is strong.

I so remember this feeling, so so so sooooo remember it. It felt like such a huge loss which is why I'm sure I must have written to you about making the most out of the time you have with your belly. I always tell Mommies this because it was so acute for me, this feeling of loss. I still grieve the loss of the feeling of bonding with Beau in my belly when I would take a bath. I miss being pregnant, it doesn't seem like it would make sense, but I still do, even after all of these years. It IS primal, it just is. I just wanted to say that I understand the loss. Obviously it gets better and less acute and you are so sleep deprived and your hormones are totally whacked out, but it's a real thing, I hear you. I understand and I'm sorry Mama belly.

Love You So Much,

ana...we were online friends long ago (i had a different name then), and we got into a bit of a tiff and I haven't really kept up with you since then. I heard through the grapevine of the internet that you were pregnant and I felt very happy for you -- you seem completely thrilled and happy with lili and M -- congrats.

i feel compelled to write you now, all these years later, because my youngest brother has Downs and he is the most amazing angel I've ever met. Because of him, I have worked with special needs kids and adults for most of my life. Downs folks really are special -- loving in ways that I could never imagine. I am not sure what you are feeling right now -- but just know that you are in for an amazing experience. Also, I'm sure you're already innundated with information and all this newness, but there are TONS of free resources available out there for families with special needs kids. I hope you are able to access a great early-development program.

Anyway...much love to you and your family

Hello Ana,

I have two lovely children. I really got into my pregnancies, I felt so juicy and healthy and right at the brim of life not to mention the satisfaction of growing the fruit of my lovers seed. It sounds like you would love to be pregnant again but not entirely wanting another child, there is a difference here right? I think pregnancy is also experiencing the most natural high, it's such a potent, holy feeling. We are so lucky to be born female! Even though your little sweetie pie is outside in the light of your body you are now pouring yourself into her as though she is your garden. Take x-tra good care of yourself and she will benefit.

~ xx,lmnop

I don't know what it is, but I felt exactly the same way after Ben was born. I think part of it was that he was such a wonderful baby ... I wanted to fill the world with more Bens. :)

I've been stopping in to check on you guys so often I just decided to add you to my friends list. :)

I know the feeling you describe above quite well. I think I have finally stopped rubbing my belly; for a few weeks, I caught myself stroking that weird, floppy stomach and then realizing, sadly, that there's no longer a baby in there. You're right - we're not given much time to adjust to the emptiness.

We're also well acquainted with the faerie/troll dichotomy. Nora's smiles turn into grimaces in a split second and she's like an entirely different baby.

Nora says, "Hi, Lili," and wants Lili to know that if she ever wants to play and be friends, she's all for it.

Hi Ana,

I thought you would like to read this.

Milla Jovovich is pregnant, she's such a spiritual person: http://www.millaj.com/from/index.shtml

Peace :-)


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