not much to report.
i'm still continuing to be wetter than normal but no more blood at all.
i feel gooshy. (TMI, i know!)
my right hip is giving me trouble. my ligaments or whatever are loosening up so they can have more moveability for the baby to come through. but this is making my right hip have shooting sharp pain in it when i stand up, walk, or sit sometimes.
i never know when the pain will happen but when it does it scares me and i have to immediately go lay down and it hurts very much to even get to the bed.
last night it was happening so much i was scared to even get up. i really could have used some crutches.
i'm worried about this happening a lot during labour and it bums me out because i know that being in an upright position and walking is very important to get labour to progress and get gravity to work for you and get the baby in a good position to be born.
so...i'm really hoping that, miraculously, this pain will subside.
last night was very uncomfortable for me. there is no comfortable position to be in any more.
a lay on one side and then the other, i try to sit different ways in different chairs.
lili kicks me constantly and i can feel her head exerting a lot of pressure in me.
my midwife always checks to see where her head is when she comes to my house to examine me, and she said her head is really firmly in my pelvis now. the midwife cannot move lili's head at all now, it's right there in my bone.
it has to be just as uncomfortable for her as it is for me, i imagine. being upside down and having one's head stuck in a pelvic bone, my womb being a very cramped space for her right now.
she hiccups a lot and tried to stretch out and evey time she does i pat my belly and moan and try to breathe.
M pats my belly, too, and although i am extremely excited to not be pregnant anymore, there is a bit of meloncholy that soon my belly will not have a baby in it anymore.
and so we do relish patting the belly these last few days.
(god, i really do hope it's days and not last few weeks)
the midwife says if she had to guess when she was going to come, she'd guess this week.
my mom thinks she'll come this week, too. and so do i.
but i know she'll just come when she is going to come.
but i truly am on pins and needles about it.
every day i make it through i just go "whew" and there is a bit of relief but also a bit of disappointment that it's not over yet.
it's really fricking hot here and humid, i have my air conditioner on high and it's still uncomfortable in this apartment. uck.
yesterday M and i went to get the last of the birth supplies.
food, drinks with electrolytes in them, flexible straws, kotex pads, kleenex, witch hazel, fenugreek. it all adds up so fast to be expensive. $200 of food, $60 in supplies.
$275 to rent the tub. other supplies we bought the other day online, like umbilical cord clamp, chux pads, latex gloves, a thing to print her little feet when she is born, all this little medical stuff that all adds up.
i really don't know how i am going to make rent in just a week. it's very stressful.
and a few weeks into august i owe dreamhost almost $300 to renew my website so it stays up and also renew my 2 main domains, as well, which are $70 a piece not to mention electric and phone. and we still owe over $600 for lab tests i had done. so seriously EEEEEK.
but i can't really think about that right now and i just have to pray in the "grace of the universe" because all my attention has to go towards preparing myself for labour right now.
i watch these stupid birth shows on tv and cry and they also piss me off with all their unnecessary interventions. god i really hope things go ok for me. i shouldn't watch those stupid shows.
poor m after all his cleaning and nesting and driving around he has been doing (and we still need to get the carseat properly installed), he had to go to the wretched DMV today to renew his license and all that before he went to work.
but yesterday he was happy :) he made me french toast and we went looking for pink cigars that say "it's a girl" on them, even tho we don't know anyone who smokes.
we only found some swisher sweets and did not buy them.
today i need to clean the bathroom some more, wash more towels and sheets, clean off the desk, get the supplies in order so the midwife has easy access to them when she comes over. lots of little stuff left to do. but if i gave birth right this minute, we'd be ok.
it's a nice feeling to be mostly prepared in at least ONE area :)
my breasts are tingling with colostrum. i am hungry almost all of the time.
although today with the heat and humidity i am not as hungry. and it's supposed to be this hot all week.
i'm sitting on the birth ball trying to find a comfortable position.
i'm typing a lot now because i am on edge and there is nothing more to do.
i want to clean but i am low on energy and i am scared about my hip hurting.
i can deal with the dull pain, it's the sharp shooting kind that scares me.
i'd like to go back to sleep but i am too antsy.
yet another day to make it through and i am pretty sick of it.
if it was not so damn hot it would be mildly ok, but this heat just makes everything that much more unbearable and monotonous.
i'm sick of watching tv, i'm sick of laying in bed, i'm sick of thinking about everything. i hate being alone right now. i hate when m goes to work.
everything gets so much better when he comes home. i just count down the hours until he gets home. i admit, i am totally needy right now. i think it's only natural for the position i am in. it feels primal. i cling to him like a little monkey.
he is my man. and he is really good at loving me and being my protector right now.
i don't feel like i have to be strong, even tho i know i totally am strong.
but it's nice to know i can have the luxury of being fragile right now, too, and have such support right now from him. it's an amazing feeling that i have not ever had the luxury of feeling. i feel very safe even tho i am still scared, if that makes any sense.
i am in good hands.
oh, and we bought lili a birthday cake yesterday. and a candle in the shape of a zero.
it might have to eat it before she comes. it's vanilla with buttercream frosting.
so she'll either be eating it via being inside of me or eating it via breastmilk outside of me.
m's golden birthday is this thursday!
i have absolutely no $ left for his birthday and that really really sucks!!!
i hope i can give him his daughter on that day as the ultimate present :)
39 weeks and 1 day