i love the way M holds me so completely. i feel so safe :)
he soothes my soul. he is inside me in a way no one else has ever been or ever will be.
i'm 34 weeks pregnant now. in 3 weeks i will be considered "full term".
it's hard to comprehend. i still cannot fathom holding a baby girl in my arms that is truly mine and has come from my body.
i cannot comprehend i will go into labour and that one of these days soon will be "it" and i will say to M "today is the day you will be meet your daughter!"
my body aches down to the bone. my limbs creak and i can feel them loosening.
i wobble and waddle from the bed to the toilet to pee and back again.
no position is comfortable.
i feel her thumping against my spine, my pelvis, my internal organs. right now.
hiccuping fluid in practice for breathing air. what will her voice sound like? will she sing in tune?
heels and knees and other limblike parts push against my skin making waves across my belly causing me to exclaim "oof! and argh!" almost minutely it seems. sometimes i almost scream. sometimes cry.
i am startled and in awe. i am taken over and in a state of surrender.
i can't bend over at all. i can't see my vagina anymore unless i look at it in a mirror.
i've gained 16 pounds, most of it baby, placenta, amniotic fluid, extra blood and water, and a much bigger uterus.
bigger than i ever thought was possible. it takes over my entire abdomen. there is no room for anything else.
i'm now counting down the days or weeks instead of months. soon it will be hours.
i don't feel ready but i don't think i will ever feel that way.
i feel like an alien from venus is going to come and visit me for a very long time.
we will stare at each other in wonder and i will say "who ARE you??" and she will most likely think the same.
i've held a baby for maybe about 30 seconds once, many decades ago. i barely remember it, but i know it scared me.
this fragile creature. i made someone take it away. i didn't trust myself to hold it. it wiggled.
this one i will hold with all my heart and might. i am for her.
i will say to her "how did i live without you all this time?"