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iconz by rouk


trance missions

from thee ana m0thership

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extreme satisfaction
iconz by rouk

i love the way M holds me so completely. i feel so safe :)
he soothes my soul. he is inside me in a way no one else has ever been or ever will be.

i'm 34 weeks pregnant now. in 3 weeks i will be considered "full term".
it's hard to comprehend. i still cannot fathom holding a baby girl in my arms that is truly mine and has come from my body.
i cannot comprehend i will go into labour and that one of these days soon will be "it" and i will say to M "today is the day you will be meet your daughter!"
my body aches down to the bone. my limbs creak and i can feel them loosening.
i wobble and waddle from the bed to the toilet to pee and back again.
no position is comfortable.
i feel her thumping against my spine, my pelvis, my internal organs. right now.
hiccuping fluid in practice for breathing air. what will her voice sound like? will she sing in tune?
heels and knees and other limblike parts push against my skin making waves across my belly causing me to exclaim "oof! and argh!" almost minutely it seems. sometimes i almost scream. sometimes cry.
i am startled and in awe. i am taken over and in a state of surrender.
i can't bend over at all. i can't see my vagina anymore unless i look at it in a mirror.
i've gained 16 pounds, most of it baby, placenta, amniotic fluid, extra blood and water, and a much bigger uterus.
bigger than i ever thought was possible. it takes over my entire abdomen. there is no room for anything else.
i'm now counting down the days or weeks instead of months. soon it will be hours.
i don't feel ready but i don't think i will ever feel that way.
i feel like an alien from venus is going to come and visit me for a very long time.
we will stare at each other in wonder and i will say "who ARE you??" and she will most likely think the same.
i've held a baby for maybe about 30 seconds once, many decades ago. i barely remember it, but i know it scared me.
this fragile creature. i made someone take it away. i didn't trust myself to hold it. it wiggled.
this one i will hold with all my heart and might. i am for her.
i will say to her "how did i live without you all this time?"

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Are you sure that's not Johnny Depp in bed with you? ; )

i feel very priviledged to read your writing
your experience of pregnancy - your writing
about it - is some of the only writing about
pregnancy i really understand & trust

I've never posted on here before so first of all - hello! Secondly, I'm commenting because instinctively you already know what it is like - you really have it right.

My firstborn turned 19 on Monday. When Kevin and I left for the hospital we left our home for the last time as a couple and returned two days later as a family. It was incredible. The bonding was overwhelming and beautiful for both of us. If it had not been for the fact that I was breastfeeding I may never have gotten to hold her - she captured his heart so thoroughly and it just made me love him all the more.

Best wishes to you.

i have no doubt you will be amazing!!

the "who ARE you?" moment was one of the most real, perfect moments of my whole life, never to be forgotten.

it has been so amazing to watch\read this journey

this comment made me get all misty:
i will say to her "how did i live without you all this time?"

what a beautiful sentiment. I am 32 weeks pregnant today and am having those surrealist moments of "we will have a new person in our family soon" and "a person is going to come out of me"....

I've never really been exposed to babies/small children either; never was a babysitter and did not have nieces/nephews to practice with. this is weird. and amazing.

I am very touched by your pregnancy entries.

AMAZING! I'm so excited to see all this unfold. I want to get pregnant in a yearish and have one in 2yrs. You're my big example and getting bigger! ;) I've only held a few beebees and they usually cry and I had them back. I don't know what to DO with one. Looking forward to your nature taking over and seeing all sorts of mommy magic.

i never held babies either.. i was afraid i would drop them and their heads would roll off.. i dreamed it so many times...

*i will say to her "how did i live without you all this time?"*
xaclty.. yup.. smiling for you

reading your thoughts and feelings on this brought tears to my eyes. wow.

i love those photos!

interesting to read how it feels to be pregnant for you. i send you a hug.

thanks for posting this. you have always had a great way of encapsulating a feeling or thought...at least that's how it seems from the outside looking in. i'm sure that some of your writings are more satisfying for you than others, but at any rate...i'm so grateful that you are out there, as always :)

Its an honour being able to read thes entries and this one was just. beautiful.

I can't believe it is really the final stretch.. such a long journey, yet I guess looking back it does seem like it went by quickly

the 3 of you together: it is destiny


Hi Ana,

To be honest i have quietly read your journal for a long while, probably over a year perhaps. Never asked to add you, as my own life is pretty depressing and dont like to offer that up to anyone *smiles nervously*. But quietly in the wings id pop over, like a magnet drawn in by your beautiful creativety, and your such openness to just be who you are, no masks, just ana. I love that about people and to me i find it rare.

I am petrified in my own honesty to ever be pregnant or give birth due to my own fears, i worry alot, it stunts my existance, and i grieve realy for what i dont think will ever be for me. But i have read you from the beginning of your chapter of motherhood and have been fortunate enough to be able to see, not being a linked friend and all.

Hope its ok that ive revealed myself now, and im not thought of as a stalker heh. But i felt compelled to say, your going to make a beautiful mother. Your words "how did i live without you all this time?" brought tears to my own eyes, for soo many reasons.

I wish you all the best x

i am now at the end of 37 week and i dont know who is there a girl or a boy. now i am so calm i cant believe its me. and waiting, hundreds years of waiting.

This is unrelated- I think this was you, but I can't remember for sure. I think you wrote an entry a long time ago that included a bit lamenting the discontinuation of Vanilla Coke. Did you know that it is back in stores?

Oh Ana, that was such a touching entry; I'm so happy for you! I hope you enjoy motherhood as much as I think you will :)

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