today i feel craptacular.
nausea is coming back *blesh*, it's hard to sleep--restless leg syndrome, kicking baby is almost constant, peeing every 10 minutes, hard to breathe.
what little muscles i had before are atrophied further due to lack of wanting to excercise.
my nipples leak colostrum everyday (which is pretty cool). my left breast makes more than my right.
i feel like the nerve endings all over my body have amplified. i can come faster than a 16 year old boy (semi-amusing), and my feet are now so ticklish that i can't even touch them...which is a drag because they need to be rubbed.
i made an appointment to register at a hospital in case there are any complication in the home birth.
we start our birth classes on may 2nd (birthing from within)
i cry at everything and also burst into maniacal hysterical laughter for absolutely NO reason.
so far no stretch marks *crosses fingers*
my belly button protrudes more and tingles.
lili likes to whack me on my cervix over and over and over in the day which makes me feel like i have to constantly pee even when i don't.
we still are not completlely decided on a middle name, although i am still rooting for zuzu (m is rooting for the 1st one we liked, kali)
according to online baby calendars she can now hear us :)
and also this week, supposedly, she has opened her eyes for the 1st time :)
i don't think we'll go to bjork in colorado because we just cannot afford it :(
and also i do not know if i could handle to stand outside for that long of time in a crowd, having to pee every 10 minutes.
such a bummer.
in a few days i will officially be in my 3rd trimester
and in 10 weeks i will officially be ok to give birth.
i can't WAIT for the day that i NEVER have to think about pregnancy again.
looking around on the internet, i've realized that some women are actually addicted to it!
the attention, the feeling you are fulfilling some higher purpose, the adrenalin of the wondering, the complexity, the giving in to the flow of it and also a certain aspect of being in control, the struggle to figure it out and achieve the "perfect" birth.
i'm glad this is not me. once is enough. (i hope i do not feel differently once she is out!)
don't get me wrong, the experience, so far, has been incredibly interesting. but to do it 3 to 10 or more times? heck nooooooo.
i'm still waiting for my "enlightened moment" when i feel i am connecting to the oneness of the universe with this.
perhaps i will have one in labour or when i finally see her little kitty face and smell her :)
i thought i would feel more connected to "the universe" during this. feel more "in touch". have revelations. feel more creative.
become incredibly psychic or something.
but my new theory is that i am purposely left even more "psychically blind" to things for a reason.
i was already really open and sensitive to energies. i think with this pregnancy a shield of sorts has gone up all around me to protect me from invading "energies". for lili's sake. she must be so vulnerable. transitioning like this. spirit into flesh. it has to be intense enough as it is. she doesn't need a mother "tuning in" to 777 frequencies right now. everything has been turned off in my mind. i am in a soundproof room, buffered from outside forces.
i still look at birth photos and go...how on EARTH is a baby going to fit out of me???
i just don't get it. i REALLY don't.
i'm trying to stay calm about it and let go of fear...but it's really hard to do so.
i am craving more sweet things. especially fruit and vegetables. especially strawberries and tomatoes (vit c?)
i can't believe that soon i will have a little lili in my arms!
i've been reading "guarding the moon" a memoir of a mother's 1st year with her daughter. (it was bought for me soon after i got pregnant and so many people have told me to read it. why?)
while part's of it are totally sweet, and it is well written, i must admit i feel more than a little uncomfortable at her constantly referring to her daughter as "perfect" and how she wants her children to "use up" her body.
she is a recovering anorexic, workaholic with all the self loathing/control issues that go along with it...so of course she is going to have some issues.
it does just make me cringe to read it.
i THINK it is SUPPOSED to be a book that does not make you cringe but instead is supposed to make you go "awwwwww :)"?
i'm not sure.
i'm just glad i don't have a desire to become used up and invisible! using my child as a tool to do this.
i hope this is not supposed to be some sort of inspiring book. i have no desire to be that kind of a mother.