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iconz by rouk

ana

trance missions

from thee ana m0thership


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iconz by rouk
ana
just a few days ago i felt super hungry and carnal, sexual, and purring.
today i feel craptacular.
nausea is coming back *blesh*, it's hard to sleep--restless leg syndrome, kicking baby is almost constant, peeing every 10 minutes, hard to breathe.
what little muscles i had before are atrophied further due to lack of wanting to excercise.
my nipples leak colostrum everyday (which is pretty cool). my left breast makes more than my right.
i feel like the nerve endings all over my body have amplified. i can come faster than a 16 year old boy (semi-amusing), and my feet are now so ticklish that i can't even touch them...which is a drag because they need to be rubbed.
i made an appointment to register at a hospital in case there are any complication in the home birth.
we start our birth classes on may 2nd (birthing from within)
i cry at everything and also burst into maniacal hysterical laughter for absolutely NO reason.
so far no stretch marks *crosses fingers*
my belly button protrudes more and tingles.

lili likes to whack me on my cervix over and over and over in the day which makes me feel like i have to constantly pee even when i don't.
we still are not completlely decided on a middle name, although i am still rooting for zuzu (m is rooting for the 1st one we liked, kali)

according to online baby calendars she can now hear us :)
and also this week, supposedly, she has opened her eyes for the 1st time :)

i don't think we'll go to bjork in colorado because we just cannot afford it :(
and also i do not know if i could handle to stand outside for that long of time in a crowd, having to pee every 10 minutes.
such a bummer.

in a few days i will officially be in my 3rd trimester
and in 10 weeks i will officially be ok to give birth.
freak out.

i can't WAIT for the day that i NEVER have to think about pregnancy again.
looking around on the internet, i've realized that some women are actually addicted to it!
the attention, the feeling you are fulfilling some higher purpose, the adrenalin of the wondering, the complexity, the giving in to the flow of it and also a certain aspect of being in control, the struggle to figure it out and achieve the "perfect" birth.
i'm glad this is not me. once is enough. (i hope i do not feel differently once she is out!)
don't get me wrong, the experience, so far, has been incredibly interesting. but to do it 3 to 10 or more times? heck nooooooo.
i'm still waiting for my "enlightened moment" when i feel i am connecting to the oneness of the universe with this.
perhaps i will have one in labour or when i finally see her little kitty face and smell her :)

i thought i would feel more connected to "the universe" during this. feel more "in touch". have revelations. feel more creative.
become incredibly psychic or something.
but my new theory is that i am purposely left even more "psychically blind" to things for a reason.
i was already really open and sensitive to energies. i think with this pregnancy a shield of sorts has gone up all around me to protect me from invading "energies". for lili's sake. she must be so vulnerable. transitioning like this. spirit into flesh. it has to be intense enough as it is. she doesn't need a mother "tuning in" to 777 frequencies right now. everything has been turned off in my mind. i am in a soundproof room, buffered from outside forces.

i still look at birth photos and go...how on EARTH is a baby going to fit out of me???
i just don't get it. i REALLY don't.
i'm trying to stay calm about it and let go of fear...but it's really hard to do so.

i am craving more sweet things. especially fruit and vegetables. especially strawberries and tomatoes (vit c?)

i can't believe that soon i will have a little lili in my arms!


sidenote:
i've been reading "guarding the moon" a memoir of a mother's 1st year with her daughter. (it was bought for me soon after i got pregnant and so many people have told me to read it. why?)
while part's of it are totally sweet, and it is well written, i must admit i feel more than a little uncomfortable at her constantly referring to her daughter as "perfect" and how she wants her children to "use up" her body.
she is a recovering anorexic, workaholic with all the self loathing/control issues that go along with it...so of course she is going to have some issues.
it does just make me cringe to read it.
i THINK it is SUPPOSED to be a book that does not make you cringe but instead is supposed to make you go "awwwwww :)"?
i'm not sure.
i'm just glad i don't have a desire to become used up and invisible! using my child as a tool to do this.
i hope this is not supposed to be some sort of inspiring book. i have no desire to be that kind of a mother.
EEK.

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It seems weird, but ... even as an unattached gay man without a single paternal bone in his body, I find all this strangely fascinating. :)

it seems weird..but i FEEL like i AM a gay man (having had no previous mothering/fathering instinct) having a baby :)

i said to M a few months ago "look this is as foreign to ME as it is to YOU...i have no special insight into this just because i am in a woman's body!"

if *I* can find this interesting (and believe me it bored me to TEARS to even LOOK at a child before) then any man can also find this interesting if by some freak chance it ever happened to him :)
(the future?)

i think it's really unfair that men cannot breastfeed (although i have heard some men can lactate a bit!). i think men could really get into it :)

You might find this interesting

"i think it's really unfair that men cannot breastfeed (although i have heard some men can lactate a bit!). i think men could really get into it :)"

Milkmen


i love reading your updates. its hard to find women that talk about pregnancy the way you do. i feel like i know what to expect more now, reading this from you, than i would reading every book i could get my hand on.
and i'm so excited for you and lili both.

have a great day! :)

thank you :)

that is so strange ot me that other women do not talk about it in this way. i wouldn't know any other way TO talk about it!

how do other women talk about it?

i haven't been around very many pregnant women, sadly. in fact, i think i've only been around one of my friend's when she was and that was only a few days here and there. and i do read lj communities but people just mostly ask questions on those.


most of the women that actually speak of it to me, are from the older generation who pretty much saw it as their duty to have children and shut their mouths about it. being open around them is very much like wlakign on eggshells.

the younger women i know tlak about it like some fairytale, where once in a blue moon, they might have a bad day. for the most part i think they are just trying to make the experience seem more positive so they might have a more positive time... perhaps? i'm not sure though, i've never asked for the motivation behind half-truths.

regardless this is quite a change of pace!

i went on Bjork concert at my first pregnancy and i had at that time 36 weeks. everybody was looking at me as i was crazy but i wished to see her so much and there was possible to seat. it was in moscow in 2003.

I love reading about your experiences with this. As someone who was very anti-child who is now wavering oh-so-slightly (not sure I could give up my selfish little self), I find these entries fascinating. Also - in one post you linked to water birth, and should I ever have a child, that seems like the way I would go. Water and hot baths have always been my pain relief; makes sense that it would be refreshing in labour.

Regardless, keep posting! I cannot wait to hear more about you and Lili. :)

~*~

What an awesome post :) I am so proud and happy for you!

helllllllllllo :)))
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

i thought i would feel more connected to "the universe" during this. feel more "in touch". have revelations. feel more creative.

You are being creative... you just don't get to see what you've made yet. :-)

well i meant my MIND to be creative...not just my body :)

birthing from within will help with the letting go of fear...we didn't go to the classes, but we did some exercises from the book, and our midwife had some similar activities we played around with. i didn't wrap my head around any of it, until it was happening, but remembering some of the things we worked on eased my labor, i think. i still don't understand how my boy actually emerged from my body. it was like trying to shit out a volkswagen beetle, but seemingly super-woman strength amped me up for one last squealing push and there he was. and, to my surprise, he was much smaller than a volkswagen beetle. i was never a baby person, and had very little exposure to pregnancy and babies in my small family. it was, however, a totally fascinating, bizarre and wonderful experience to be pregnant and give birth (at home), and i'm totally, absolutely in love with my boy. and it's okay that i don't really want to do it again.
btw, my "enlightened" moment was when he was lifted onto my belly, and before i saw his squishy face, i inhaled deeply his sweet fragrance. every once in a while, i can still catch a whiff of it on the top of his head, and i'm just filled with that first moment.
i was all about mangoes and pineapples...

it was like trying to shit out a volkswagen beetle

that made my day.

Please name her Lili Kittyface!!!!!!

strawberries and tomatos

that is funny i was just at whole foods and got strawberries and tomatoes (and dark chocolate cookies)...funny to read you crave the two red things i just got.

that book sounds odd? i have not seen it. i wonder what the point is? i think the best mothers do some kind of balance of being very much into their own life and value as a human and also nurture their childs self esteem etc. not sacrificing too much of themselves- staying centered...but expanded and both autonomous adult human and mother...

I am really grateful that you're sharing this with us. I will never have a baby and have often found myself very curious about some of the random details. Things that you share but most people just aren't aware enough to even notice (at least from the pregnant women I have known).

I'm always excited to see what will happen next.

Can you imagine what a complex the kid in that book is going to have when she grows up? I've never understood why so many women 'disappear' when they have a baby. I think they weren't very 'there' to begin with.

so far no stretch marks *crosses fingers*

If you're not already aware of it, get some cocoa butter at the drug store and ask M to rub it on your belly each night. It's a pleasant experience for all three of you and seems to work well.

that is actually a fallacy.
lotions of any sort do not help.
stretch marks will happen or not with or without it.

oh no no no no.
not a fallacy. cocoa butter will indeed help with stretch marks. I promise.

no, it won't. look it up.
no scientific basis for it at all.

okay, I will take your word for it. My Mother has no stretch marks and attributes this to cocoa butter. I guess I should always be a little skeptic when it comes to my mum anyway.

I hope this disagreement will not keep you from friending me. (I plead my case on this subject on an earlier post)

"i thought i would feel more connected to "the universe" during this. feel more "in touch". have revelations. feel more creative.
become incredibly psychic or something.
but my new theory is that i am purposely left even more "psychically blind" to things for a reason.
i was already really open and sensitive to energies. i think with this pregnancy a shield of sorts has gone up all around me to protect me from invading "energies". for lili's sake. she must be so vulnerable. transitioning like this. spirit into flesh. it has to be intense enough as it is. she doesn't need a mother "tuning in" to 777 frequencies right now. everything has been turned off in my mind. i am in a soundproof room, buffered from outside forces."

This is really beautiful ana. I've never thought about this, wow.

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