25wks.
Usually I have quite the sexual appetite, and I like knowing that I am pleasing who I am with. I like knowing that they won't need anything more, because I'm filling that need. Being pregnant, my sex drive has depleted almost completely, and having sex is really not that fun. For one, it physically hurts. It hurts the inner walls of vagina, and can send pain shooting up through my body. If I orgasm, the pleasure is quickly taken over by intense BH that last for anywhere from twenty minutes to an hour +. Not to mention, my fiance is errr... kind of rough. I tell him it can't be like that while I'm pregnant, because it hurts and that worries me. He complains with something along the lines of "oh, that's no fun" and usually continues at the pace he was going, which actually alarms me and makes me question many things (that's a whole different entry though, I think). If I do manage to get him to slow down, or if I manage to get control, it still hurts.
Secondly, I'm not feeling sexual in any sense of the word. Physically, emotionally, and mentally; it's really just not working out for me. Physically, this pregnancy has been pretty tough, and now I'm at the phase where I constantly feel like the wind is knocked out of me, and I can't really breathe. My hips are taking it pretty hard, too, always popping out of place or so it seems, making it semi-painful to even walk. I am so tired, all the time, and little things take most of my energy and send me back to sleep. Mentally and emotionally, the last thing on my mind is sex. I have been stand offish and not very affectionate in general, as I see this as time to focus on myself and the future as a first time parent. I had a baby girl Aug. 08, and her father was an abusive addict and needless to say, I was at a bad spot in my life (to make a long story short) so I placed her with a wonderful couple and got out of that relationship/situation. Well, in light of this... I feel I need to prepare even more so, that in some way I have something to prove because I became pregnant and decided to raise the child so soon after placing my first for adoption. A lot of my focus has been on that (in which I'm completely alone, seeings how it doesn't seem to click with him that we're going to be responsible for a child in about four months). Plus, pregnancy hasn't exactly increased my body-image. I think pregnancy is beautiful, but I just don't find myself sexually appealing, which is important for sex to be enjoyable for me.
So my fiance's reaction. We didn't have sex for about a month and a half, and last week we did, three times, because I was sick of hearing him complain about it....not because I wanted to. He says that I'm not affectionate, he doesn't feel like he's wanted and he'd appreciate it if I touched him every now and then. So I've been trying to be "warmer" in that sense, cuddling and showing gestures of affection. However, every time I do these things, he quickly turns it into something sexual and tries having sex. I have told him everything I wrote above, repeatedly, but somehow he still gets offended that I turn him down. He tries, A LOT. Several times a day, and it's making me really uncomfortable, even pushing me to reevaluate who I thought he was. Now it's turning into a full on fight, and I feel like he's trying to guilt trip me into having sex with him. He says things like "would it kill you to just jack me off?" and for some reason, it just really grosses me out that he'd even ask for it. I tell him to do it himself if he needs it soooo incredibly bad, but he says that doesn't help our situation, because he doesn't feel attractive anymore now that I'm not having sex with him. I try to beat it into his head that it has nothing to do with him, it's just the pregnancy; I reassure him often that I still find him attractive, and I explain the most I can do (most of the time) is to continue showing affection like I have. It isn't good enough. When it gets down to it, I tell him he's not being understanding, which he flips around and says I'M the one not understanding (what, that he will die without sex?) and he tells me, "just because you're pregnant? really ... like come on."
I just feel like he's being completely insensitive, selfish, and kind of pig headed. I know my emotions are kind of out whack, but really all of this is getting to my head...I feel like it's mental abuse with the badgering and the awful things he says when we get into screaming matches over this. Like, should it really even escalate to that point? Wtf? Am I being selfish because I don't want to do "other things" to ease his load, or is that understandable? Should I fulfill his "needs" even though I would really rather be doing anything else ? I just feel like if I don't want to do it, I shouldn't have to. And I guess he feels like it's me not wanting to that is the problem. But I know it's temporary, and so does he. I just feel like he's being a child and throwing a tantrum over the whole situation, and I feel pretty helpless and hopeless against his antics.
Tags: relationships,
sex Current Mood: 
annoyed
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
ana's Friends Page
hungry
chipper
happy
determined
contemplative
tired