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ana

trance missions

from thee ana m0thership


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iconz by rouk
ana
010913


i have chillcam working for my webcam thanks to marcus :)
but the chillcam will not recognize my new webcam so i have it cycling instead through a folder of old webcam pix of me in the bathtub for now while i try to sort out some sort of webcam ftp uploader software that will recognize my new logitech.
webcam uploader 2004 recognizes it, and it sends up a pic, but then it just doesn't show up. i don't know why.
i only have 150 hours on the chillcam because it's unregistered and since The Gekk who made it (blue skies1) is not around i cannot register it.
so it will only work for 150 hours.
and i can only cycle through folders of photos i have already taken and not do anything live.
maybe i will just have to keep deleting it and then reinstalling it so i can have 150 hours over and over again?

i am calmer than yesterday which was pretty much a total meltdown by the end of the day yesterday.
i ended up crumbled in my shower crying and calling up patrick on the google hangout to just talk me down and his sense of humour got me out of it and he did a special shaman ritual for me and my family. it's been tough for us all as we try to make this massive transition into school and everyone being sick all the time.

as i sat in my shower i was like, i never need to come out. i have all i need here. i have the shower, i can go to the bathroom, i have running water, i have soap, i have all my medication, i have a blanket and some xmas tree ligths even and i had my ipod and charger. so if i would have had food i could have survived in there for quite awhile which would have been a vacation for me, really.

then i finally decided that i could clean the bathroom. it was crazy unorganized. the closets full of all my old make up and mixed rubberbands and medications for me and my family like antibacterial ointment, bandaids, toothpaste. and things that should not be in there. it became a junk drawer type of place.
i have a few other places which have become junk drawers and so i am "clearing my clutter with feng shui" as karen kingston would put it.

as i cleaned the bathroom it became more of a healing shamanic ritual of purging andf cleansing and letting go and remembering and going through so much. it is amazing what going through every last thing in my bathroom did to me, the journey it took me on was profound. that was really surprising since i never think of my bathroom as being so "loaded" with powerful tokens and trinkets from my past.

i found the synth dreads that were in my hair when i got married, i found the rag dreads i made and some little girl on my block said my hair looked like a mop, which indeed, it did. so i took those out. then i found my old dreads that i had cut off before i gave birth to lili. i had the dreads when i was pregnant with her and then got some synth dreads right before she was born.

i had been looking for these real dreads i had cut off for months because i wanted to attach them to the dreads i have now and make them longer. i've been looking and looking for months. then voiula, there they were when i started cleaning the bathroom.

i safety pinned them onto my dreads and now my hair is 6" longer.

maybe later i will sew them on but right now i am happy just to have them safety pinned on.

if i had never cut my hair my dreads would be so long. well, they are long again, and it's all my real hair. i grew it myself!

all the hair on my head now has so much energy in it. all the hair on my head was grown when i made 3 human beings in my body.
when i made milk for 3 human beings with my body.
all the sorrows all the joys. all the crying all the bliss.
my suicide attempt (i don't know if attempt is the right word but that is what they call it when you are not "successful", so i don't know what else to call it. so attempt for now)

i buried my son as i grew this hair and i buried deiter dog.
i was in a mental hospital and i made it through and then here i am back here and working on videos and i got MARRIED growing this hair.

this hair has come like a fountain from my head. and many times i have wanted to shave it off as a cleansing ritual but this time i am owning every inch of it and not being afraid of the energy it hold.

i can own all this energy that is in my hair and all of life and all i ate while i was pregnant which went towards my children's bodies and also my hair.
and my milk for my children.

all the things my body does.
it's quite a mundane and profound thing, hair. so political too, but i'm not going to get into that today.

as i went through cleaning my bathroom i touched all the make up i used to wear. some were eyeshadows i have had since the 80s.
crazy. and about 7 red lipsticks and red lipliners as that is the only colour i want to wear on my lips is bright red.

all my eyeliners, all the shows i have played when i used to wear all this make up and do things on cam.

i used to put so much glitter on my body. i used to adorn myself so much. i missed this as aspect of me although it's also been nice to just wear the same outfit every single day for the past few years (pretty much...black leggings, men's underwear tank top "wife beater". so iromic. god.)
or my pajamas.

being pregnant and then getting older and wider has given me less options of what to wear although my closet is still full of all the silk velevet and gorgeousness you could ever imagine. i will deconstruct all of these things for the new me i am now. the new old me. the old new me. and my ever changing body.

i don't want to buy new clothes. i really have the ones i like and i'm quite happy with what i have. and i'm pretty much set for life in that dept. i just need to adjust them all to fit me now.

i know this might be boring for anyone to read. well that is why i am on LJ then. because this is about my process and i write this for myself because writing has always been a HUGE part of my process and i need to get thingds down and write things out of me no matter what it is. boring or not. i've wrestled with the meaning of why i do it and i give up on it. i just write. so there it is.

i made a jumpcam video of me and all the things i was organizing in my house/bathroom last night.
and was still adding on to it today as i went to see my therapist.

the time goes by so quickly when my kids are in school. it whizzes by. i have 1 1/2 hours left to myself.
i was hoping to get this all written out of me so i could clean more.
i am thinking that maybe i need to focus on getting my entire house organized before i can move on to anything else.
which means making my record.

all of this is part of my process to making my record. i think a lot of people don't realize that. they say where do your ideas come from?
well they come from here, from real stupid every day stuff like this.

going through all your old make up and touching rhinestones that were worn on my body for shows.
all the rubber bands that have been in my hair. all the hair and dreads i've worn through my getting to meet me husband, getting pregnant, getting married, having 3 children, one die, buying a house, learning to garden, getting older, going through peri-menopause, dealing with new body issues as aging becomes more on the horizon. adjusting to all that physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritualy, intellectually.

going through all my old medications. all the things i've been on. consolidating them. remembering all the ways i felt on each one.

all the people i saw, all the things i talked about. all the trips to the energency room when i ran out of xanax.

my crazy sufi psychiatrist i don't see anymore because she is crazy.

but i miss her.

as i was cleaning the bathroom i realized that quite inadverdently as the men have left the task up to wome to do these sorts of things (and for which i have taken on gladly as it seems i am just good at doing it at times and i enjoy it. i don't need to prove i am free from stereotypes genderwise, i am comfortable taking on both the masculine and feminine...whatever that means)

anyway, i realized that inadvertently, i don't think most men realize but all this cleaning and organizing can ut you in a trance like state. it can be very much a ritual. it can be a healing shaman thing to do.

where i decide to put the toothbrushes can mean things to me. and can become too much and even OCD or superstitious if i were not careful to realize this.

but it is "magic" where you put your toothbrush.
at least it is to me right now, because i am processing all these things.
so as i clean and where i put my things and my husbands things and the way i combine these things together all has meaning to me.

i made a drawer just for his "daily self care" products, comb, shaver, clippers, etc.
then i got to my drawer and i put my toothpaste in and then stood there for what felt was a long time realizing that i had no idea what else to stick in my drawer.

here i used to take so much time to primp and preen and exfoliate and luxuriate and ground myself in baths with sea salt and roses and then glitter myself up for literally hours, leisurely taking care of every aspect of my body from the outside....i realized what little self care i do now for my body.

i was like...ok, toothpaste....what else?

so i made it a mission to make sure i made a drawer for me that could get me back on track, and so i put in my body lotion that i bought and i put in my rose and cardamom oil. i'm trying to think what else i put in there but i am drawing a blank.

it's not important.
what's important is that i recognized that i had no space for things which i used for daily self care beyond toothpaste.
it was sad.
i used to adorn myself in holographic glitter.
and one can have too much of that. always balance. but now i need back some glitter.

i painted each one of my fingernails a different colour as i even went as far as trying out all my nail polishes to make sure they all still worked.

i put things in special boxes.
i made sure that how i arranged the shelves and in what order would be a magic meaningful thing.

the foundation bottom layer is my hair and a mirror. and some other personal things.

then next shelf is all my stuff, hair dye, rubber bands, nail polish, make up, lipstick, etc.

above that i put all my husband's things. and things we use together. i recognize that he needs the shelf at eye level more than i do because i have more time to be at home whereas he needs access to his stuff right away when he is getting ready for work.

and it's funny i say that since he does more self care than i do for his body than i do, things like taking the time to take a shower.

i am the one in the family to give up taking a shower so that everyone else can have one.

i will be the one to eat last or eat the leftovers so everyone else can eat.

i will not touch all the good things to eat, like the fruit, so that my children can have the most.

i will eat the parts no one else wants. the ends of the bread. the left over cereal. the corners of sandwhiches,

on the top shelf i put candles i do not need to use yet as a symbol of light at the top.

it's all so much more than this and as i type it out it sounds so much less intriguing than it did as i was doing it.

how i really wanted to do it is put a cam on the ceiling and then have a fisheye and as i am cleaning giving commentary as it comes to me.

because so much great commentary was in me so many times that is now lost.

this is the way of it. and as i learned and still trying to accept that things cannot all be documented or known or understood or organized or finished.

things are always in a state of being. and i need to stop using the words "should" and "just" and "only" and "but"

so, long story short, cleaning my house has been a shamanic healing ritual. this is the way all things (i want to write SHOULD) are.
i want things to be in this state of mindfulness if that is what you call it. i don't know.

ok, i have one hour more to myself.
so i am going to stop here and go do something else for an hour.

i don't know what....

what a ramble.

010913a

I do the leftover thing too ... my kids are trained that if they're not going to finish something, to pop it into a container and I'll get to it later. I wish I could get The Wife to play along ... she'll throw out a bagel one of The Girls have like 1/4 eaten, and I will sadly see it in the trash, when I would have gladly eaten it (but coffee ground do not improve the taste of bagels).


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But I love your rambles! As a mom, I did the same stuff myself when my daughter was younger - sometimes forgetting to eat because getting her to eat could take up so much of my energy. Seeing to her needs first, always - that's not sacrifice it's simply natural, good parenting. Plus I gained weight eating her leftovers! Also, cleaning/organizing has always been therapeutic for me. Clearing the physical space clears my brain and psyche, most definitely. (The icon is of my now 18-year-old daughter, taken some time last year)

This is one of the most memorable posts I have read in a while. You bare your soul in your writing. Thank you for sharing Ana.

This entry helped/helps me. Thank you.

god is in the details
and as you put it so beautifully
god is in the bubblebath

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